I know this is long but please bear with me.
I'm a 23 year-old male. I'm in the process of coming to terms with the emotions I've been having my entire life that I denied to myself that I had up until recently.
I've always been bi-curious, though I've denied it for much of my life. I think from the beginning I've been bi, but because of my upbringing I learned to be disgusted by my feelings. My family would have and still would disown me if they knew. I have a slight feeling my sister might understand somewhat, though I’m not willing to take that chance yet. I have very few friends, and the people at my school don't take too kindly to GLBT people.
Where would I go if I came out? What would I do? I wouldn’t stand on a rooftop and shout, “HEY EVERYONE, I’M BI!!!!!!” I’ve never seen a straight person say anything about being straight, so why should I say anything about being bi unless I’m asked. A part of me is scared to come out, yet another part of me is curious and wants to be seen and heard. Then again, what if I’m NOT bi? What if it’s just a phase I’m going through? How do I know for sure?
I think the hardest part about coming out is being afraid that I will lose everything I hold dear to me: my girlfriend, my parents, my family, the few friends I have. My girlfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love her more than I’ve ever loved another person and I don’t want to lose her. Would she turn away in disgust if she got into my head, or realize that I have no idea where these feelings are coming from and that I even disgust myself most of the time, (again because of my upbringing) and still love me and accept me for who I am?
I’ve had these feelings as far back as I can remember, though for some reason not as strong as they have become recently. I’ve always been attracted to females and EVERYTHING about them: breasts, hips, ass, eyes, hair, legs – everything. I love a sexy hot pussy in my face, or wrapped around my manhood. I love the steady rocking of lovemaking with my hunny, holding her close to me and feeling her heart beat onto my chest through her breast. My most favorite thing in the world is to eat out a wet pussy. I love that more than the sex. I love digging my face in and losing myself in it and I love the scent, and the way I smell afterward with her cum on my face. I love bringing a woman to orgasm, having her lose herself in her own sheer pleasure. There’s nothing like the scent of a woman’s body. And there’s nothing like snuggling up to my woman after making love.
That all makes me sound like the straightest man there ever was. I’m not though, I think. Maybe it’s how my sisters treated me as a child: dressing me up like a girl, playing dolls with me. Maybe I was abused by a male many years ago, before my mind can remember. Maybe it’s because everyone has been telling me my whole life that I should try guys, seeing as I’ve had no luck with girls. Maybe it’s my head injury. Maybe society has done this to me. Growing up in the woods and not having normal social skills or females around. Maybe it’s the possibility that my parents may have always wanted a girl. Am I possessed by a demon or evil spirit? Maybe it’s a combination of these things. And then again, maybe I’m just a normal person with a hormonal imbalance.
I’ve come to the conclusion about my parents wanting another girl based on my ongoing investigations into my childhood. I have always had a horrible memory. Maybe my mind is really trying to protect me from the horrors that lie within. From reading my journals I kept as a child I recall being dressed as a girl, playing Barbie, being teased for “sitting like a girl,” and so much else. And I remember staying with a relative for a week when I was a young teenager and coming home to find new floral carpeting in my bedroom and pink floral curtains. Gone were my black curtains and some stuff which meant a lot to me from my early childhood.
I've confessed to my girlfriend my feelings. She’s the only person I trust enough to tell. She responded better than I expected. She has a few bi friends so at least she kinda understands what I'm going through. She’s never had bisexual feelings or questioned her sexuality though. Recently I asked her if she would ever consider wearing a strap-on. I’m not sure she was too comfortable or open to the idea. Her main question was, wouldn’t it hurt me? I don’t think it would; rather, I think I’d enjoy it.
I wish I knew how to control my thoughts. Who out there could possibly understand what it’s like to find guys attractive? I know of no person, personally. How many bisexual people are out there? Maybe I need to find a way to get out more. Muscular arms, I’ve always admired them. Muscles are sexy, just like female legs, butts, breasts, shoulders, necks, and everything else. I’ve never taken showers at school; I would have gotten a hard-on even back in middle school. I wouldn’t even change in the same room as the other guys in gym. I don’t know if that’s because of the way others have treated me, or because deep down inside I was scared of how I might react. How can everything be a turn-on to me, and nothing a turnoff? I’m too curious! I want to try everything there is out there in regards to my sexuality. I want to have the experience of another male. I want to know what it’s like to pleasure and be pleasured by someone like me, who knows and understands all my hot spots. I’ve fingered myself occasionally since I was 10. I find it incredibly pleasurable. (Did you know males have a g-spot too, only it’s inside the rectum?) But I want to know what it’s like to have more than my finger in me. I want to experience a blow job, just so I know what it’s like and I know for sure who I really am. Will feeling a dick in my mouth and against the back of my throat convince me that I am straight or otherwise? I've never had an experience with another guy but I really want to. At the same time I fantasize about my girlfriend and other woman. I love my girlfriend more than anything and I do not want to cheat on her. It's really not worth the risk of losing her. But still every time I see a cute girl or guy I think, "They're cute. I'd do them." These thoughts just spring into my mind out of control.
None of this turns me off; rather, it scares the hell out of me by how much it turns me on. I don’t know why I am like this. I want to understand my feelings. I want to know what other bisexual people think and feel like. I want to know who I am for sure. Can I rightfully label myself as bisexual? I’ve always been an outsider. Deep down, is this my brains’ last attempt at making me fit in, or am I really bisexual?
I pray to god every night and I beg to know what it’s like to be normal, which I’ve never been. Has this been in the plans for me all along, to live my whole life as a freak, only to realize later on what I’ve been denying to myself all along, possibly? Why does this have to happen now, now that I’ve fallen in love with the perfect woman? Why do I have to realize this side of me so late? I don’t think anything could get me to stop loving my girlfriend. No matter what, I will always love my hunny and I will do anything to keep her.
But I feel this empty spot inside of me. I have a male friend whom I can't help but have a crush on, even though he can be a jerk. A part of me wants him to be my first, and the other part of me doesn't know for sure. My girlfriend told me she doesn't want to lose me and she's worried about me cheating, and even though she doesn't approve of threesomes she's be willing to do one as long as she didn't have to actively participate with the other guy. But then my friend turned psycho on us after a bad experience with the ouija board and I still want to do him but I don't know any more. But I will not cheat on my girlfriend no matter how curious I get, though I very much want to have this experience! I love her too much for that though and I don’t want to hurt her or lose her. I am torn up inside over this. I’ll do anything to keep her. I don’t want her to leave me over this. I love her more than anything; I want to marry her and I want her to have my children some day and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But at the same time I want to explore my sexuality and figure out who I really am.
Am I normal? Are these feelings natural? Is bisexuality a natural thing? Am I not a freak? How many people out there have had bisexual feelings? What is wrong with me? Am I just blowing this way out of proportion? I'm just so confused. Does anyone else have any experiences like this? What was it like for all of you realizing that you were bi? What was it like coming out? Have you even come out yet? Like me, are you looking for support on here? Did you have any concerns over catching HIV or herpes? Would you personally be insulted if I wanted to do something with you but I requested an STD test first? How do you go about approaching someone to find out if they are bi and furthermore if they will do anything with you once you know they are bi? If anyone has any thoughts or stories to share, please do so.